Confusion

Everything seems to be spinning out of control whilst still being within my grasp. Things that once seemed near seem as far as the stars, unreachable, unattainable, just out of reach. Glimpses of light appear and reappear every now and then, nothing remaining consistent. Everything seeming like a blur, unclear and too fast to grasp. Confusion the only thought prevailing.

With all this it feels like my head is aching a soft silent pain. A struggle, a battle all occuring within, truly uncomprahendable. Walking with my head lifted up to the sky seems impossible, too many thoughts seems to be within, making it heavy, burdened with worries. What are these worries? I do not know... What are these thoughts? I am yet to figure out... Why these feelings? If only I knew...

A cloud of thoughts seem to be constantly brewing, making my clarity of thought close to nothing. Pained, is what I feel. What happened to the mood I was recently in? It seemed as if nothing could get me down. But something ununderstandable, there is no reason for me to feel this way. I have all of life's necessities, there is nothing more I need. Is it the problems that others face? That is the only answer I can think of.

Why should that bother me? As rude as it sounds it is true. I have felt sorry for people before due to unfortunate happenings, but never have been deeply affected by it. I do not think that even after a tragedy in my life occured I have felt this constrained or restricted. Thoughts seem to be evil, I feel trapped within them. Off late sad happenings or occurances in other people's lives have seemed to significantly affect me.

Its not just issues like poverty but for some reason even things such as people's seperation and losses from the seperation have gotten me down. What is happening? Not even seeing the tsunami and having a first hand experience before, during and after the tsunami had such an effect on me. So why now? Why this new fond bond with people I do not even know or barely know? Even after reading something that happened to someone I do not even know I felt extremely upset for them. I felt as if the loss had occured to me.

I am definitely no martyr and do not wish to live life like that. The worst thing is that all I can do is feel upset for the person as they would feel upset or perhaps worse. I cannot do anything to make them feel better, in no way am I able to help them. Then why this sadness? Is it doing them any good? Is it doing me any good? Does it reduce their burden? Does it reduce my burden? What instignated this? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I love to listen to people and help them sort their problems. I have been able to do that my whole life, without fully getting involved with their problems. Now I do not seem to be able to help them and feel as helpless as they would feel. This has not happened with just one persons story but off late it has happened with several people's real life stories. I no longer seem to be able to bask in my own happiness or the happiness of others around me. Darkness and fear have seemed to engulf me.

I feel like I am being absorbed into a world full of darkness. Fear seems to be creeping up very inch of my body every second of the day. What exactly is the cause for this fear? Is it that something is going to happen in my life that will make my life turn around for the worse? I have just been able to overcome many ill fortunes that life has thrown at me and now is it going to happen all over again? I surely hope not.

I am sorry if this put any of you that are reading it in a sad mood, but I just thought perhaps I should spill my thoughts out so that I would feel better. Am I just too scared of everything these days? Have experiences finally become a realisation? Even the socialite in me seems to be dying, of course there seems to be light every now and then, but this is very short lived.

I feel like I am being hurled down fast into a dark tunnel with no way of returning. The only way that I can get out of this seems to be if someone pulls me out of it... Who will give me this helping hand? Or perhaps what is it that will pull me out of this warp? It doesnt require a miracle, but what exactly is required? The thing that keeps me going are my friends and family, I want to achieve something. Perhaps I am doing what I truly want... Yet I do seem to be enjoying things more than usual... It is the light that is flickering, something needs to be done to leave it ever burning and burning brightly... But what?

Phew... It feels like I have just found a hand to pull me up, I can see it in the distance. All that is left is for me to wait for it to reach me and pull me out. Anyone know why I am feeling like this? What is happening? I seem to still be living life one day at a time and as well as I can, but there is some small satisfaction I am missing out on. All that is left to say before I sign of is, I am in a tornado, tsunami or whirlpool of confusion. Any psychologists around? What brewed these new confusions in my seemingly calm sea?

Keep smiling all!

Blogroll Me!